Greetings,
A note about this short story: this short story is an exploration of my feelings regarding a particular medical diagnoses and my processing of these feelings. Many of you know that I have been dealing with chronic pain while walking for nearly 3 years. I have some more tests coming up to get down to the source of this injury and try to figure out a way to move forward with it but in speaking with my doctors it is likely that this is a permanent injury that I will just have to learn to live with, in other words, a disability. This story is a VERY FICTIONAL look at how I’ve been processing this diagnoses and how I have been feeling about this injury these past three years. If you know me personally, you’ll recognize that almost all of the experiences of the main character don’t reflect any of my experiences, but his feelings regarding defeat and injury and loss are definitely feelings I’ve been feeling.
Alright, enough of my rambling, let’s get to the story!
Content Warning: brief war zone violence, and brief description of limb mutilation
The cold wind bit and tore into Roy’s exposed skin as he climbed up the cliff face. He had lost his goggles about an hour ago. It had been six hours since he had started out on this leg of the hike, what he hoped was his final ascent to the summit. As the cold air snapped at him, he shut his eyes and wincing in pain. He held on for dear life as he continued his ascent. He would not be conquered by the wind, he would not be conquered by the snow, and he would not be conquered by this mountain.
Roy had let enough things in life conquer him and defeat him. There was his inability to get his grades up in high school. A series of life problems and typical teenage laziness coupled with an undiagnosed and/or ignored learning disability kept him from improving enough in school to get into college. He had really tried: after school tutoring, late night study sessions, and even hypnotherapy. Nothing had improved his ability to retain and regurgitate information for tests in school.
It was that failure in school that had led him to join the military. He thought that if he couldn’t succeed at school, maybe he could succeed in service to his country. The smooth talking recruiter buttered him up and told him he could be a great asset to the armed services as a special forces sniper or operating a heavy armor unit. He found out that listing some of the more glamorous or fun sounding career positions was really just a recruitment strategy and that he was actually going to be an infantryman. He allowed his drill sergeant to defeat him as well: boot camp had forcefully removed a lot of his childlike joy and humor and turned him into a piece of the larger military machine. He was trained to fight and kill wherever the Military sent him.
It wasn’t long before he was sent into the biggest war zone in the world: The Middle East. This was where he felt his biggest sense of being conquered. He had been on patrol in a small village in Iraq. The village was small and Roy had actually gotten to know some of the local leaders well. One leader, Abu-Samal, was a local teacher who was running the only school for miles. The school had become a target for insurgents in recent months and Roy’s unit was tasked with deflecting their attacks and, if possible, destroying the insurgent cell that was nearby. During the patrol, an attack took place on the school building. It seemed like it came from all directions. His unit fought off the attack, but it was towards the end of the attack that an explosion near Roy had ripped through his leg, severing the limb from his body.
Roy had blacked out, but later learned that his unit commander had dragged him to safety and radioed for air support and rescue. He had lost his entire left foot and ankle. His doctors kept telling him how fortunate he was to have not lost any more than he did. But he didn’t feel fortunate, he again felt conquered. He spent months and months in physical therapy and then spent even more months getting used to walking with the prosthetic limb that the doctors had given him. Once his medical care was finished he was given a medal, went to a ceremony/photo-op for whichever politician was running for office at the moment, and then was discharged from the military.
Out on his own and trying to navigate his new life was difficult at first. Many jobs did not want to hire him, due to his injury and prosthetic. Of course they never SAID that, but it was clear that the jobs he qualified for: store clerk, security guard, and driver, were all jobs that would be required to provide an accommodation for his injury, an accommodation that corporate would not be willing to extend. He languished for awhile, surviving off the generosity of his friends, the love of his parents, and the small disability check he received. This made him feel like a burden to those who had been helping him and made him feel absolutely awful whenever he received pity from a concerned friend or loved one.
Finally he was given an opportunity to work in an office at a local government building. His father’s close friend was hiring an administrative assistant and was willing to give Roy a chance, despite his lack of experience and education. Sitting at a desk, going to meetings, and filling out forms was not Roy’s idea of a good time, but a job was better than no job and a job with great benefits and a retirement plan was even better. His life was finally on an upswing. It was at this job where he finally Leanne. Leanne was always kind to him, always polite to him, and was always encouraging him to try and do more than he thought he could.
His doctors had told him he could run with his prosthetic. They didn’t say it would be easy nor would it be exactly the same as running before he lost his limb, but they assured him that he could regain some of his athleticism back. He didn’t believe them and had not maintained his fitness much after he was discharged. Leanne encouraged him to start running again and had helped him make that progress. Leanne encouraged him to apply for night classes at the community college, and had helped him begin the path of obtaining a college degree. He and Leanne had spent a lot of time together both in and out of the office and eventually started dating.
After a year of dating, Roy had decided that he wanted to marry Leanne, but was still feeling defeated and conquered by his past failings. His life was on such an upswing, mostly due to Leanne’s influence, but what if he was conquered by marriage too and she eventually left him? He wasn’t sure how many more defeats he had left in his system. He had to show himself, prove to himself, that he could conquer challenges in his life. That was when he had the idea to climb this mountain by himself.
He told his family and Leanne where he would be and how long he was planning on being gone. They of course begged him not to do it. “You can’t, your injury is too severe” he remembered his mother saying. He assured her that he wouldn’t over do it and would turn back if he needed to but it was something he had to try. He promised himself that if he succeeded in conquering the mountain, he would propose to Leanne immediately.
Roy flashed back from his reverie. The mountain breeze had slowed now and he was able to continue his climb up. His gloved hand reached up and grabbed the ledge above him as he pulled himself up. As he was pulling himself up, his grip slipped just a moment and caused him to loose his grip on his left hand. His right hand tighted on the rock he was holding onto. Summoning all of his strength, he swung himself back back and forth slightly, using the momentum to grab the ledge and with one final rush of adrenaline he pulled himself up onto the plateau.
Gasping for air, huffing and puffing as he lay on his back, Roy began to admit defeat. That slip up could have been bad. Another mess up like that and he would be done. He started realizing the folly of having climbed up a mountain by himself. If he had fallen, if he had been injured, who would have helped him? He thought back to his Commanding Officer, saving his life during the attack on the village in Iraq. He had needed his Commander to be there when he was, otherwise he would have died. He had no one like that out here with him. What a fool he was. He decided that he would rest here on this plateau and then head back down and call it a day. It wasn’t his job to conquer everything and sometimes the circumstances of life weren’t something to be conquered, just something to endure.
Sitting upright, he took in his surroundings, looking for the next ridge he would have had to climb up… He didn’t see one. He paused a moment and stood up, heading toward the ridge he had just climbed up. Surveying the horizon, he realized he had reached the summit of the mountain! He had reached his goal.
A laugh, a hearty laugh of joy and excitement escaped his lungs as he realized that he had indeed conquered the mountain. He jumped for joy and yelled out “I AM KING OF THE MOUNTAIN!” Immediately pulling off his glove, he reached into his jacket for his phone. He knew it was unlikely that he had service here, but he had to try. Finding his phone in the breast pocket he pulled it out and held it up high. two small bars of service showed on the screen. Another gasp of accomplishment escaped his lips as he quickly searched his contacts for his girlfriend’s contact listing.
The phone rang and rang. With a loud CLICK on the other line, he heard her voice “Hello Roy, are you alright?”
“Leanne, I am great! I’ve haven’t felt this good in years! I made it to the top Leanne! I’m here. It took me three days to get here. I think three days back and I will be home. Make reservations at that french restaurant down town, we are going out to celebrate.” Roy was talking so fast and excited that it made Leanne laugh a bit.
“Alright there, tiger. I’ll make the reservation for thursday night. Just be careful coming back down.” she said, smiling warmly. Even though he couldn’t see her, he knew she was smiling.
“I’ll be extra careful, babe. See you Thursday. Love you.”
“You too.”
The phone call ended. With one final pump of his arms, Roy stood triumphant on the mountain. His whole life he had felt that he was playing the role of the conquered. Now he felt like the conqueror.